Happy Solstice! For those of us in the northern hemisphere,
we are enjoying the shortest day of the year, and Christmas is only a few days
away.
With this time of year filled with holidays and the northern
chill keeping many in close quarters, life is certain to be interesting. It is
during these times that family patterns can be very evident. Some patterns are
full of love, joy and really enjoying the company of one another. You can
deepen and create more of this if you want.
Creating healthy patterns by choice goes a long way to
healing the heart and soul, especially when family is involved. Conscious
choices make all the difference. So, what can you do to shift patterns and enjoy family more?
1) Be AWARE.
Be aware without judgement. Being aware without judgement is
easier to do if you realize and understand that people usually operate from
subconscious programs. Family patterns are created and executed from subconscious
programs. Often individuals did not create these programs themselves nor did
they choose them. You may be choosing new programs, thoughts and behaviours
while others remain asleep, unaware that they have choice. Knowing and
understanding this allows you the space to see your family members and their
patterns from a broader, kinder perspective.
For instance, let’s say your mom is really stressed about
creating the perfect holiday meal. Every dish and every piece of the dinner
table setting has to be perfect. Just like her mom’s or grandma’s was. This is
a program. So, how do you help her stress less? Ask her what she would do if it
was really all HER way. If she could do exactly what she really wanted to do,
what would that be? What would that look like? What family traditions does she
like to do? What parts does she really enjoy? What would she change if she felt
free to do so? Then suggest she make some changes so she is happier. It might
be necessary to tell her that being happy with what she’s doing is more
important than keeping all the family traditions the way they have always been. 2) Shift Conversations
It is easier to shift conversations than it seems. Changing
the subject can happen easily with the right questions. Asking questions gets
people thinking. Often family gatherings trigger deep programs and emotions.
Gently asking open ended questions gets people thinking, and often gives them
room to discover another way of thinking. Doing so with kindness is key.
Begin introducing conversations about ideas rather than
people. Shift the conversations to the ideas people have and how they are working
out for them. Be encouraging as best you can. If something isn’t working out so
well, focus on what parts are working. Often people will be focusing on the failures,
and really failure is nothing more than a lesson being learned. What are they
learning from it? I often hear people say “Not to do that again!” and they end
up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. You can actually help them see
what IS working, and often they will find solutions and inspiration for a
different way of going about what they are doing.
Good questions are open ended. They get people thinking
positively, their minds searching for solutions and usually inspiration shows
up for them.
A rule of thumb is to use the high school English class
questions: Who, What, When, Where, How, Why.
“Is that working out for you? What is working well?”
“Who is good at that part you need help with?”
“What is your end goal? What does it look like?”
“How can you get that to work better? That is a great idea!”
“Why isn’t that working out? What changes can you make to
get it working?”
Ideas. Get people talking about ideas, dreams, goals. Should they go into sarcastic remarks like “Yeah,
that’ll never happen.” Ask them WHY. Ask them “If you had it all your way, what
would that look like?” Then proceed to offer ideas of another way of thinking if appropriate.
Be gentle and kind. You may be amazed at how easily you can shift conversations
from negative to positive!
3) Offer Praise, Acknowledgement and Recognition
People are often stuck on what is wrong. Bring up what is
right! Praise them for accomplishments, big and small. Encouragement is too
often tainted with negatives. You can help your family (anyone really) see what
great things they have done by telling them what great things they did. They
may have no idea that their smile lights up other people. So tell them.
Your sister may have no idea that her effort put into those
awesome cookies is appreciated. So tell her. Share appreciation for effort
made.
The key here is sincerity. When it feels fake, they know. So do you.Sometimes the negative programs are so embedded and thick that it takes some savvy approaches to really be effective. Should you find yourself countering nearly everything someone says 180 degrees, it is time to stop and re-evaluate. In these cases, it is important to "pick your battles", and pick them wisely. This is great exercise in listening without responding.
Respond mindfully, gently and with short questions or offers of ideas. For instance, say your brother is a humungo complainer - about everything and everyone, (this is an example of that scenario where you would be countering everything 180 degrees) and you would like to have better, healthier conversations with him. First, listen without responding much. Phrases such as "Ah." "Hmm, interesting." "Well," "I don't keep up with that stuff" and other non-committal, non-encouraging phrases and words can quickly diffuse the complainer because you aren't feeding the negativity. This works well with superficial space filling chatter.
So now you have diffused the chatter and the conversation has turned to something that really is important to your brother. Amid all the negativity, you can see this really is important. Listening attentively is key here. You are looking for the places to offer encouragement and new ideas, new perspectives.
I was going to offer an example here, but could not find anything easy to do. This is not the easiest subject, and you and your family are different from any other. This is a journey of developing skills. You are intuitive, you know when and where what is appropriate. You know, even if you think you don't. Trust your intuition and ask Spirit, Creator, Angels, whomever you choose for guidance. You can do this!
Even if you get poo-pooed a bit, keep it up. Be the light.
Bring the love. Keep bringing it. Your family will see the difference. It only
takes one person to begin shifting patterns. As you grow and learn, you can
take that into your family too.
The ripple effect is powerful!
Chances are good that you love your family, even if you don’t
like how they behave. Most people want to see their family happy and healthy.
Sometimes though, walking away is the best thing to do. If you are at that
point, it’s OK. Know that as you grow, learn and heal that your family will
receive benefit from that, even if you aren’t in physical contact. Eventually
you may be able to reconnect with them later on.
Family has a way of triggering us like no one else. Should
you find yourself triggered, it is OK to step back and collect yourself. You
can work your own healing magic right away or set it aside until you are able
to focus better on it.
The best gift you can give your family – and yourself – is a
happier, healthier YOU. Happiness, joy, health and love are all journeys, there
is no end destination.
Life is fluid, always moving, always growing, always
shifting and changing. It’s OK for you to be on a journey! Your family is going with you to some degree
whether they realize it or not. Might as well share your joy and journey with
them. Observe the patterns. Offer re-enforcement of healthy ones, and gently
offer ideas and guide the shift of negative ones. You can do this without telling anyone they
are wrong. In fact, telling them they
are wrong is a sure-fire way to trigger the crap out of them and get nothing
but resistance.
So be kind.
Sometimes saying nothing in the moment is best.
Allow yourself the time and space to formulate responses as needed. It’s OK to
think on what someone says before responding.
You really do have the power to help those you love move
closer to happiness and healthy relationships. It may take time and clever
responses, and I assure you, it is worth it.
Happy Holidays from my family to yours!
May your holidays hail a new beginning of relationships
Full of love, joy and great communication.
May your love and joy overflow and fuel the flames of passion
For life, for breath, for living your dreams.
May you always recognize the Divine Support available to you
And seize every opportunity presented you with exuberance and faith.
May your exuberance and faith fuel your trust in the Divine.
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